Please help! I’ve been going with my “fiancé” for nearly four years. His ex divorced him five years ago (we met a year after his divorce), after they were married for 15 years. He has a now-17-year-old son with her. There were a lot of issues in his marriage and admits he was a terrible father. He had a substance and alcohol addiction problem and had difficulties holding down a job. He currently owes a LOT of back child support. He now works a fairly good job, although it’s low paying (but regular and long hours), and child support payments are deducted from his paychecks.
However, I feel his past issues with the ex are not my problem. I’ve tried to be supportive of him, even though we’ve had our own issues: He has stolen from me and lied to me. We’ve been in counseling and have tried to heal and I’ve tried to work with him to rebuild the trust. Yet, he’s secretive about his relationship with the ex.
I feel it’s out of guilt that he behaves the way he does, and I feel she manipulates him because of the way he treated her in the marriage. (He may even have been unfaithful to her; I’m not sure.) But now she’s DIVORCED from him. She shouldn’t be trying to get MY money from him. (We were living together for a year and-a-half until I kicked him out because he took money that he earned from side jobs that I found for him and gave the money to HER.)
Now he’s living with his brother and sister-in-law, sleeping in a kids’ bedroom and living like a 16-year-old with a 10 p.m. curfew. (I think this is good for him and is exactly what he needs at this point.) His brother and sister-in-law will not put up with any crap from him. I tried not to, but he walked all over me. When he is late coming home now (past his 10 p.m. curfew), he has to sleep outside in his car. He isn’t allowed to have a key to his brother’s house.
He has asked me to let him come back and live with me. I’ve told him NO WAY. He wants to marry me, or so he claims, but he still carries on a secret relationship with the ex.
I understand that he will always have to have contact with her because of their son. BUT: He visits with her at her house and never tells me when or what’s going on. I’ve NEVER met her, and she won’t allow me near their house. Once, we pulled up in her driveway after church (I was waiting in the car), and she came out of the house screaming and told him to get his “girlfriend” off the property and never to bring “her” near the house again or she would call the police. She won’t let me near the 17-year-old son and badmouths me to the son, whom I’ve only seen twice in the nearly four years I’ve been going with my fiancé.
How do I handle this? My fiancé is not moving toward marrying me. We’re Catholic and since both of us have been married before, in order to be married in the Church, we have to go through the annulment process. I started the paperwork process with our Church two years ago, but my fiancé won’t continue with the paperwork. It’s always an excuse. He has not been able to put any money away and is always broke. (He’s bankrupt.) He had a chance to get his bankruptcy resolved by my CPA for whom I work (free of charge) and he canceled the appointment. Now my CPA doesn’t want anything to do with him.
He still claims I’m “the love of his life” and that “one day” I will be his wife and that I’m his “wife” in his mind.
What should I do? I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.
The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation. Thanks for your advice. – He’s My Man
Dear Ms. He’s My Man,
Girl, girl, girl! Really? Really! Today, you’re going to bring this bull-ish to me and it’s only the middle of the damn week?!
I was cracking up reading your letter and saying to myself, “She is truly a bird. She is truly special. And, I’m talking about special ed. As a matter of fact, I’m enrolling you in my special ed classes at my Academy for Retarded Ass-Backward Women Who Don’t Know Their Ass From A Hole In A Ground.”
You have got to be out of your got damn mind to want to marry this man. You have got to be the dumbest woman living on the face of earth to even get wrapped up in this madness and drama with this man.
I’m going to list several reasons why you should not get married to him:
1.) He has stolen from you.
2.) He has lied to you.
3.) You’ve only met his 17-year old son twice in four years.
4.) He is a drug addict and alcoholic.
5.) He is broke and bankrupt.
6.) He is still sleeping with his ex-wife. Trust me. He is!
7.) He is keeping secrets from you, and therefore, he is not honest or truthful, or trustworthy.
8.) He’s living in his brother and sister-in-law’s home, with a curfew, and he has no key to the home because they don’t even trust him.
9.) The money he earned from side jobs you helped him find he gave the money to his ex.
Finally, in order to get married you have to file annulment paperwork, which you have done, but he somehow can’t seem to finish. Thus, this means you’re not worth the time and effort. In essence: YOU MEAN NOTHING TO HIM!
Now listen here, sweetie, if every time you go out of your way to help him, and he doesn’t want to help himself, then why do you keep getting on your knees and kissing his left and right ass cheeks? Stop licking and sucking his ass. He’s not worth it.
But here’s the thing, all of you are treating him like a kid. Which he is. You’re babying him and holding his hand, and trying to get him to do the right thing. His brother is babying him and treating him like a kid. And, even his ex-wife is coddling him and manipulating him. Hmmmm, you see where I’m going with this? He’s a grown ass kid and won’t make any adult choices for himself because all of you are doing it for him. How about all of you treat him like an adult, and when he finds himself with no place to live, struggling with his finances, and he has to actually do things for himself, then hopefully his grown ass will grow the “F” up.
I’m going to wrap this up and I hope you will think for once in your life. And, I mean actually use your brain for something more intellectual other than watching Jerry Springer, Maury, and other non-academic or brain stimulating activities. How can this man actually afford to take care of you if he owes sooooo much back child support, he’s financially inept, bankrupt, and works a minimum wage job? And, you say he says that you’re the love of his life. LMBAO! You’re actually wrong. You are the mother of his life. Don’t get it twisted. Then you ask, “What should I do? I do love him with all my heart, but he’s breaking my heart.” Then stop. Someone can’t break your heart unless you allow them to. Stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his crusty nasty ass feet on your heart.
You go on to say, “The ex won’t let go, and I feel he’s doing nothing to help the situation.” If you know this and he’s not doing anything to help the situation, then why are you still there? Why are you hoping he will do what he’s supposed to and after five years of being with him he’s done nothing for you? I’ll wait while you ponder that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to end this and let it marinate in your thick ass brainless skull. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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